In honor of the release of the Infected Holiday Special, I thought I’d get Roan and Holden to answer some questions from readers. An advice column, from a couple of guys who maybe aren’t great at it.
Dear Roan, thanks for introducing me to These Arms Are Snakes and Murder City Devils. What other bands would you recommend I check out? - Steph
Roan: Well, I’m glad you asked. Did you know Toronto has a big noise rock scene? Neither did I! But one of my favorite bands out of it is Metz, which does make some stabs at melodies, but is more concerned with crushing your head with music. I also like the British band The Future of the Left, which isn’t noise rock per se, but the singer can’t sing and they all know it, so he’s a shouty sort, and the music is aggressive and snarky and witty, but caustic. Which I am a fan of. Amongst other noisy or noisy-ish bands I like: White Lung, Fake Palms, Odonis Odonis, No Spill Blood, Police Teeth, The Coathangers, Greys, and Gaythiest. Tank also wants me to put a good word in for Babymetal, but I’m not sure I’m sold on that.
Holden: How does Dylan stand your music?
Roan: He usually doesn’t listen to it.
Dear Holden, I think my boyfriend may be cheating on me. He denies it, but I’m not sure I believe him. I’m usually not the paranoid type. Do you think it’s an invasion of privacy if I go through his phone? – Anonymous
Holden: You want to know a hard truth here, honey? People aren’t good liars because they can deceive you. People are good liars because they tell you what you want to hear. So if you think he’s lying, and he’s telling you you’re paranoid, you’re right, and he’s not as good a liar as he likes to think. Going through his phone is an invasion of privacy, but fuck it. He is lying to you, and you’re looking for a way to justify the truth to him and yourself. That’s messed up. This relationship is over. If you can’t live with him being a shitty liar, end it. Otherwise, get used to doubting your own reality.
Roan: Could you be a little less evasive? Tell us how you really feel.
Holden: It takes a liar to know one. That’s why I don’t need a weird superpower to smell lies. I just assume everyone’s the same kind of piece of shit I am. I’ve never been disappointed.
Roan: We really shouldn’t be giving out advice to anyone.
Dear Roan, I know you’ve battled with depression. What advice do you have for anyone also dealing with depression? – anonymous
Roan: Okay, first of all, I’m not a therapist, and am in no way qualified to give advice on this subject. Except I’ve lived through it, and all I can share is my experience. It is very tempting to give up. Believe me, I’ve done it on occasion. But you can’t. Depression lies, and it lies loudly, so try and think of it as an enemy. Don’t let it win, and don’t be ashamed to get help. We all need it sometimes. Get help, and kick its ass.
Dear Roan and Holden, What are your astrological signs and Hogwart’s houses? – anonymous
Roan: I’m almost offended that you’d think I’d just know shit like that off the top of my head.
Holden: Roan, be honest.
Roan: Fine. Leo and Gryffindor, although I swear I’m more of a Ravenclaw.
Holden: Sure you are. Scorpio and a Slytherin. We could’ve have had some great hate sex, you know?
Holden: Your loss.
And this seems like a good exit point. Hopefully, no one’s been scarred for life.